Civility and Kindness

  “There’s only one piece of pie left for you two to split. So, one of you gets to cut and the other gets to pick. Which one wants to cut,” said my mother proffering a butter knife?

This was Mom’s usual way of handling parsing leftovers. She avoided any complaints from her young rabble…brood. And she taught us an important lesson; in life, you have to develop the ability to cooperate and compromise in order to enjoy some of the better things life has to offer. It’s a lesson that we need to relearn in our hyper-partisan winner take all political climate.

The climate is not the only thing that has become more heated in this era of “global-warming.” As a body politic, we seem to have lost the ability to work together and compromise. Kindness and civility, once the hallmarks of a mature intelligent person, now rank behind snarkiness and inflexibility. We hold up those with a quick wit and acid tongue. Instead of consuming news broadcast in civil and measured tones, we flock to “argumentaries,” shows which traffic in innuendo and rumor, displaying a casual disregard for the truth. We avidly consume our “news” from web-based sources that give precious little, if any, thought to fact-checking or the effect their words may have. We reward those politicians that take intransigent positions, refusing to budge an inch. Adherence to perceived party orthodoxy is more important than making progress on those pernicious problems we face as a society. We worship at the altar of power, forgetting that government exists to alleviate suffering, solve problems, protect the weak, secure resources, and enhance opportunity for all. 

When we put party above policy, we stymie progress. Our embrace of this caustic style of public discourse encourages politicians to abandon solving problems as the measure of success. They may not make progress towards finding solutions to nettlesome issues; however, if they maintain party loyalty, refusing to work with others, and denouncing anything that does not come from the party as evil, then they can claim success. We forget the counsel of George Washington:

"However [political parties] may now and then answer popular ends, they are likely in the course of time and things, to become potent engines, by which cunning, ambitious, and unprincipled men will be enabled to subvert the power of the people and to usurp for themselves the reins of government, destroying afterwards the very engines which have lifted them to unjust dominion."

FAREWELL ADDRESS | SATURDAY, SEPTEMBER 17, 1796

Washington well understood the danger slavish devotion to political parties posed. Now, nearly two hundred and fifty years later, we must deal with a political landscape in which parties make decisions in order to appeal to their base and remain in power. Often, they use the levers of government, not to find solutions to problems, but instead to stymie progress toward a solution. We need to stop accepting this as appropriate behavior and demand that instead of dragging their feet and pointing at the other guy, they should figure out some sort of compromise and move forward.

Compromise requires an electorate that holds problem-solving above party-purity. Sadly, our willingness to go along with slash and burn politics supports the continuation of this behavior. We seem to enjoy the theater more than progress. We must develop enough political savvy to reject those who pedal such a narrow view of how we should operate. This means that I must accept the prospect of not always getting my way. Returning to my mother’s practice, when we accept the idea that others get a participatory role in determining national policy, we accept the fact that we will not always get our way. Sometimes progress requires that I sacrifice in order to secure a better outcome for someone else. We easily forget that scriptural principal of “Everyone to whom much was given, of him much will be required, and from him to whom they entrusted much, they will demand the more,” Luke 12:48b. This reminds me that since I enjoy such a privileged status in our society, I must use that blessing to secure good things for those who have less. Understanding this difficult principal helps me display kindness and civility when things do not go my way in the political realm. Kindness and civility flow from a place of strength, courage, and understanding.

A strong person does not feel the need to tear down or ridicule, or at least controls the urge. Those who are weak lash out at every perceived threat. When I am secure in who I am, I treat others with civility and am freed to actively listen to their point of view. I have the courage to be kind and consider others as important and worthy. I just may find their ideas compelling and summon the courage to put their needs first. We may find the way to progress if we listen, actively listen to others. But as long as we embrace a caustic or defensive approach to engaging in political discussion, we will not make true progress on those things that constantly vex us.

If we embrace civility and kindness, eschewing acrimony and attack, we may find that we want many of the same things. Differences that seemed so monumental shrink into minor easily overcome obstacles. The active listening required for civility leads to true communication and treating others with kindness opens doors for the cooperation we so desperately need. Of course, it is much easier to embrace the status quo. After all, if the standard for success is belittling your opponent, why adopt behaviors that require work and sacrifice? Because the only real way to make progress is to embrace civility and kindness. It’s hard, but it must be done for us to move forward as a nation.