“Do you have a complementarian or egalitarian view of marriage,” my fellow teacher asked me, leaning back in his chair?
Despite being married over thirty years, I had no idea. I knew I loved Christy, my wife. I knew that I believed what the Bible said about marriage. I thought, and still think, Christy and I enjoy a strong and wonderfully fulfilling relationship. But, notwithstanding my long association with Christianity, I had to admit ignorance regarding those two terms. Of course, by training, I can invade foreign countries and teach English and Social studies so my attempts at theology are at best fumbling and ill-informed. But that has never stopped me in the past. I’m comfortable working on user-level theology. As an English teacher, I understand that the definition of words is foundational. Not being able to define complementarianism and egalitarianism as they relate marriage, I looked them up, and here are the definitions.
Complementarianism is the theological view that although men and women are created equal in their being and personhood, they are created to complement each other via different roles and responsibilities as manifested in marriage, family life, religious leadership, and elsewhere.
Egalitarianism, within Christianity, is a movement based on the theological view that not only are all people equal before God in their personhood, but there are no gender-based limitations of what functions or roles each can fulfill in the home, the church, and the society.
I’d never really thought of how Christy and I organized our marriage. I grew up in West Texas in a theologically conservative faith community. I suppose that when Christy and I married, while my theological view was complementarian, my practice was more egalitarian. Christy and I never really discussed those concepts and which paradigm best described our relationship. As in all marriages, there were inevitable disagreements with the attendant tense conversations; however, for the most part, we sorted through those difficult times without great dissension. There was one particularly painful and lengthy disagreement, but even then with the Lord’s help, we managed to find our way to a mutual understanding. So, as we close on forty years of marriage, what framework would best describe our marriage? More importantly, how would God have us structure our union?
Over the years, I’ve come to think of our marriage in the terms of “one flesh.” In God’s economy, Christy and I are not two separate individuals. We are one flesh. In the Genesis account of creation, God takes a piece of Adam and from it, with His hands, He fashions Eve. He says, “…Therefore a man shall leave his father and his mother and hold fast to his wife, and they shall become one flesh.” (English Standard Version Gen. 2:24) We rightly take this as a bit of poetic speech referring to sexual intercourse. But, we ought not to discard the spiritual implications of becoming one flesh. Christy and I function not as individuals in some sort of contractual agreement; instead, we function as one unified individual. I wish I could say that we always achieve this rather lofty and sublime goal, we do not; but, when we do, the result is intensely satisfying. It is becoming a unified whole that changes the marriage dynamic. In a small way, our marriage relationship replicates the relationship that God the Father, God the Son, and God the Spirit share. And that is why I hesitate to embrace either the egalitarian or complementarian view.
Both views focus on roles. Roles imply separate duties and destinies. At one point in response to a question from Phillip, Jesus says, “Have I been with you so long, and you still do not know me, Philip? Whoever has seen me has seen the Father. How can you say, ‘Show us the Father’?” (English Standard Version Jhn 14:9) That is the example for the marriage relationship. When you see Christy, you see me. We are one flesh. Roles, no matter how you define them, imply things that she does and things that I do. Separate realms or distinctions. In God’s eyes, He sees one. I know that this does not fit well with standing alone before God in the final judgment, but I trust Him to sort out all the details of salvation. After all, He said He’d take care of that. What I do know is that Christy and I are one flesh, and that changes things.
When I allow myself to think of our marriage in terms of roles and responsibilities, I open the door to evaluation and judgment. Am I doing the right thing? Is Christy exhibiting the proper respect due a husband? These and other similar questions occupy my thoughts. When I understand our relationship in the light of one flesh, my viewpoint changes. Then Paul’s words to the believers in Ephesus, “28 In the same way husbands should love their wives as their own bodies. He who loves his wife loves himself. 29 For no one ever hated his own flesh, but nourishes and cherishes it, just as Christ does the church, 30 because we are members of his body.” (English Standard Version Eph 5:28-30 italics mine), make more sense. I take care of my body. I try to feed it healthy food. Some might justifiably say less of that Matt. I make sure I get some exercise; enough sleep, and clean it now and then. When I feel poorly, I go to the doctor. In short, I cherish and nourish my body. When I understand that Christy and I are one flesh, I cherish and nourish our body, our relationship. I no longer think of myself as some sort of glorified CEO, handing out annual evals. Instead, I constantly seek what is best for us, knowing that the other part of the one flesh is doing the same. I do not do things that come between us because I remember that what God has brought together man should not tear apart. And this lies at the core of my understanding of the marriage relationship.
18 Then the Lord God said, “It is not good that the man should be alone; I will make him a helper fit for him.” (English Standard Version GEN 2:18 Knowing that I am incomplete, God, through Christy, has made me complete, one flesh. So I view our relationship as one of oneness. We are not two people in an egalitarian relationship; neither are we two people in a complementarian relationship. We are, indeed, one flesh. As the Apostle Paul said, “31 “Therefore a man shall leave his father and mother and hold fast to his wife, and the two shall become one flesh.” 32 This mystery is profound, and I am saying that it refers to Christ and the church.” (English Standard Version Eph 5:31-32) It is a profound mystery, one that defies easy explanation; but it is one that I find deeply satisfying.
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