Being Right

 29 Let no corrupting talk come out of your mouths, but only such as is good for building up, as fits the occasion, that it may give grace to those who hear. Ephesians 4:29

17 And whatever you do, in word or deed, do everything in the name of the Lord Jesus, giving thanks to God the Father through him. Colossians 3:17

A soft answer turns away wrath, but a harsh word stirs up anger. Proverbs 15:1

I have enjoyed the pleasure of two exciting and stimulating careers, the Army and teaching. Both careers challenged me, requiring excellence and creativity. Not every moment in either profession brought the same level of fulfillment, in fact, both provided days of boredom, pain, and frustration; however, in both, I enjoyed getting up each morning and heading off to slay dragons. Both provided enough remuneration to keep my family in good housing, with an abundance of food, and other needful things. Both require a high degree of personal excellence.

Success in the Army and in teaching requires a devotion to being right. In the Army, lives depended upon my ability to make a right, or good, decision. Each day in the classroom, I stand and deliver instruction, often on a wide variety of topics, and this instruction will either help a young person move ahead in life or will hurt them if I am wrong. The ability to “be right” has circumscribed my entire professional life. Over the years I have grown confident in my ability to sort through a mass of data and come to a good defensible right decision. But how do I use my ability to come to a right decision?

I can be right in such a way as to make “the right” so odious that no one within the sound of my voice will choose that right. I can use being right as a cudgel, bludgeoning my way to victory over the emotional wreckage of those I am talking to. We can be right and still be woefully wrong. My daughter once told me that she did not like talking to me because I was always right, and she never was. Cut to the heart, I had to reevaluate what I had taught my “little” girl. Through my actions, I had inadvertently taught her that being right was the primary goal in any discussion and that being right was a tool to brandish until the other person submitted to your viewpoint. In my zeal to “win,” I had alienated my daughter, resulting in a closed-door of communication and an inability to influence her for good or ill. Fortunately, she said this when she was young enough for me to alter my behavior and begin the process of healing and reconciliation. Being right was different from loving communication. In my intellectual hands, I used being right as a weapon.

In our current culture, we use being right to pummel others into submission. We elevate the cutting sarcastic remark to the paragon of success in debate, and this is nothing new, one need only to read a little Shakespeare to find a well-spring of putdowns. We mistake being right with being convincing. We adore public figures that, “tell it like it is,” as if their pugilistic use of conversation itself deserved respect or envy. We pour out an unremitting stream of biting remarks and then wonder why no one is convinced despite our impressive manipulation of facts. This predilection for “being right” tears at our national and cultural fabric, rendering the cooperation needed for progress elusive and near impossible. We have forgotten how to temper our drive to be right with the traits of gentleness and kindness.

We need to remember that often there is more than one “right” answer. We can let someone think otherwise without loss. Also, when listening to someone explain their views, we discover facts that may lead us to modify our own views. Letting someone hold their own view is a mark of respect and does not necessarily mean that we agree with their views. If life and death are not involved, we may need to let someone be wrong. Gentleness in speech may tamp down the level of acrimony, allowing time for careful consideration of the issues involved. Gentleness may be the salve needed to preserve precious relationships.

When we batter each other in a never-ending quest to “be right,” we damage relationship. We may win the transitory argument; but, when we force the issue, it often shuts the door to relationship. Giving other people the room to be wrong shows respect for the person. We can respectfully disagree without loss of face. We need to make sure that we stay on topic, eschewing the tendency to equate the issue with the person and then descending into personal attack. We should always frame our discussions around the idea under consideration and actively listen to what the other person is saying. Being gentle with each other preserves the relationship, leaving the door open for further communication, and perhaps, compromise. Graciousness in communication helps ease the way to better understanding. And we should never forget that we might be mistaken. The point of discussion, or even debate, is to make a better-informed decision. When we replace informed decision-making with being right, we harden our position, trying to make it as defensible as possible. Maintaining relationship whenever possible should be one of our signal considerations. When I discard, or damage, relationship just to be right, I have not done or said things in love. I cannot help but wonder how things might be different in our homes, schools, and nation if we took a deep breath and allowed others to be different, to hold different opinions, and to be wrong without censure?