Life often surprises us; sometimes with pleasures, sometimes with frustrations, and sometimes pain. There is no revelation in that statement. Anyone that lived through high school knows this, most through bitter experience, others through casual observation. I always expected my kids to grow up, attend university or start a career, and then move away, leaving Christy and I waving goodbye from the porch. Due to various twists and turns, all of my children returned unexpectedly, spending time with us. Among the items they brought back, was joy, great joy in parenting.
I find parenting at this age intensely rewarding. Do not misunderstand me, nothing dims the joy of those first staggering steps or babbling attempts at speech, but there is a special joy in sharing a quiet cup of coffee with a son or daughter (please note that I include “in-laws” though I do not care for the term as I love them as my own). Even when unforeseen problems force a return the parenting is sweet. This does not mean that there is no work involved. Sometimes people generate significant problems through their choices and those choices generate significant consequences for all involved; but that does not dim the joy of second-chance parenting.
Second chance parenting is more about mentoring or parenting without repercussions. When my children were young, I always considered the consequences of my guidance and actions. Would this work out well for them? Would I have to account for their behaviors based on what I said? I often anguished when things did not seem to work out well based on what I’d said. Now, when I share advice with my adult children the burden rests on their shoulders. I’m not responsible for their decisions. I need not fear judgment. Of course, as an older man, comfortable in my own skin, I care less about what others may think. It does not bother me as much when my adult children disregard my advice. After all, they are adults and responsible for themselves…sort of.
I know more than I did at the age of 30 and 40. I look back over many mistakes and wrong turns. I realize that many things I thought were absolutely critical were not. I worry less about their minor mistakes, knowing that they will figure it out without my intervention. When they disregard my advice I accept the decision as their own and not a repudiation of me personally. Additionally, I’ve noticed that the more I experience, the less I know. There are some bedrock, foundational things I cling to and I find that they cling to them as well. So when they diverge on one thing or another I can let them without feeling threatened or needing to straighten them out. And, they seem to listen more.
The world scuffed off some of the youthful tendency to assume parents are doddering idiots. That, coupled with my willingness to let others find their own way makes our interaction much smoother. This goes along with time scuffing off some of my own self-assurance. I’ve endured serious personal failure and realize that is part of the process. Now, my offspring have greater faith in my ability to provide reasonable counsel, and then let them decide what to do. Willingness to let others make their own decisions helps open the door to conversation. Now, we enjoy more conversations and fewer lectures. I save the lectures for the classroom now. Truthfully, my willingness to trust them, to believe in their judgment, does more than anything else to improve our relationships and is the foundation of joyful adult parenting.
And perhaps trust is the greatest lesson learned. I know that my children make mistakes, just as I do. I also know that my children make many good and wise decisions without my influence. I see them growing each and every day. I rest comfortable in the fact that on the rare occasion that they need wise counsel, I’m on their short list. And more importantly, I see them pushing roots deep into the Lord and letting Him shape and mold their lives. This fact reassures me since, His counsel and guidance is the best and when I exit the stage, He remains.
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